When my wife, Gayle and I flew to Kenya for our first time in 1981, our son Richard turned one. We let people know we had arrived by sending a telegram and by writing out our experience on a blue air form. The air form took two weeks to get to Canada and arrived before the telegram. The school where we ended up had one crank phone which filtered through international operator after international operator before finally connecting with home. Because of a storm, our two-minute call consisted of shouting “hello, hello, hello… it’s us.” We never phoned again in eighteen years despite the changing technology.
When my children first engaged in 12 Tasks there were no real distractions through technology to take their time and attention. We lived in a space and time where we could focus on the specific challenge and put our energy into completing it. Of course, we had the usual realities of explaining why this process was important when few others were doing it but we also had a culture and climate where so many options called us to participate.
Teens growing up in this time have never known a moment without internet, video chats, Instagram and other communication platforms. Whereas, children in previous generations who travelled a lot would make and release relationships quickly, this generation can maintain multiple friendships over long distances. Staying in touch is even easier with parents and teens.
Relational capacity is an issue still being considered for busy individuals thinking about 12 Tasks. If you imagine a lego block with eight bumps on it and think of each bump as being able to hold onto one block (or relationship), human capacity used to limit us to about eight close relationships. Emotional or relational closeness often meant geographical or physical closeness. When one left, we had capacity to add another – otherwise, if all our friendship bumps were filled, we were at capacity.
Now, teens can keep all their relationships as long as they have an internet. The pressure comes from the expectation of immediate responses from friends all over the globe who anticipate instantaneous replies. Tweets, texts, direct messaging, chat invites and more are no longer communication to respond to when it is convenient. Parents may need to help teens manage the pressure of global availability and may need to model it in their own communication patterns.
Feeling obligated to maintain and foster and nurture all our relationships at once can be overwhelming if we continue to develop more and more of these. We are advising teens and parents to do their 12 Tasks in a group setting and having to add new relationships can push our emotional capacity if we are adding others outside our current relationship system. Feeling emotionally and relationally stretched may be a normal part of engaging in 12 Tasks through a year.
The final reality to understand in this context is that trying to maintain and hold onto all our past relationships can keep us from moving on into embracing our present and focusing on our future. Spending more time with cyber relationships than with real relationships will undermine significant conversations that need to happen with the people right around you. All of us have witnessed groups of people all sharing the same space, fixated on their mobile devices and withholding conversation from each other.
The key is balance. Perhaps the area of technology might provide an opportunity for one of the tasks you develop as a team. 12 Tasks is meant to develop deep and valued relationships along with strong and lasting character. However, you do this, feel free to reach out and share with others on this journey with you.